Here’s another update about recent encounters and how my coaching business is doing. Food for thought and honesty guaranteed!
Read on for:
- Deadly coaching feedback
- Rating a coaching session
- Presentation time x3!
- Business update and the curse of time blindness
- Recommended podcast: what to do before you get a neurodivergence diagnosis
Deadly Coaching Feedback
“Paul, you’re killing me!” are not words that you want to hear from your mentor. Even worse when you are paying them. Nevertheless I was in this unenviable position earlier this month.
I had just played a two minute clip of a recent coaching session to my mentor as I wanted feedback on how I could improve. She has 2500+ hours of coaching experience so I felt I could learn a thing or two. The issue at hand was that my client had said something positive and instead of acknowledging that, effectively I had ignored it by drilling straight into the negatives they had also mentioned.
It’s very common with ADHD to not process the areas where we are doing well – we need that realisation of what’s going right for the sake of good mental health. Also, often it’s a far better use of our time to focus on areas which we enjoy or excel at, and outsource or otherwise navigate around areas where we don’t have natural strengths. This doesn’t mean that we don’t work to strengthen areas which we find challenging, but it has to be a balance.
The manner in which my mentor provided feedback was also bloody useful. She revealed to me at the end of our session that she had only used the phrase – and emphasis – “You’re killing me!” to grab my attention. She knew that if she only gently corrected me, the lesson wouldn’t really sink in. I’m autistic (as well as being ADHD) and sometimes I do need to be told feedback really firmly otherwise my brain gets a bit naughty and locks into confirmation bias. I tend to look out for get-out clauses such as “they didn’t really mean it / it only applies in this specific circumstance / perhaps there’s been a misunderstanding” etc.
Autistic people tend to need really direct communication and, because my mentor knows me so well, she pitched it perfectly. By telling me at the end of the session that she was only grabbing my attention, she ensured there was no lasting harm done… to either of us!
Feedback is a bit of a game though. I recognise that I have fun with it too. Most people would be surprised at how often my fibre optic broadband fails exactlywhen a client says a really important epiphany. The sound at my end dies and so I have to ask the client to repeat themselves, perhaps even two or three times. It just so happens that the process of speaking an important thought out loud lays down extra pathways in the brain, allows time for a pause, and reinforces that positive message. With benefits like that, I guess I won’t be changing my broadband supplier any time soon!
Rating a Coaching Session
Perfectionism is a topic that crosses my radar time and time again. Often my clients have found school might have been a struggle, but they still achieved very good grades. It can therefore be a shocker, even decades later, when they don’t attain the same level in other areas of life.
At the end of a recent coaching session my client commented that it had been useful “but we both know I’ve been choosing the easy subjects”. To be honest, in the moment I was stumped. He had worked hard, come to some epiphanies and committed to some actions which were very likely to reduce his stress levels. He had so much to be happy about.
And then it hit me.
He thought I had a success rating schema for my coaching sessions, and somehow by not tackling and working through the hardest possible tasks he wasn’t scoring 10/10.
Well, I don’t score my coaching sessions that way. Every time I have a coaching session, I take my client as they are. They may be busy. They may be overwhelmed. They may be calm. But they all have challenges or thoughts they want to work through and that’s enough for me.
Every step forward is a step along the path. Some steps are easier than others. But you certainly can’t skip to the end of a journey and try the biggest challenge without building up strength first. Sometimes you might not even know what the biggest challenge is.
For what it’s worth, beingcompassionateto yourself is a good thing to aim for, but don’t tell yourself off if you aren’t there yet! Michelle Sutcliffe recently said it beautifully: “give myself grace about why I’m not like everyone else”
Presentation Time x3!
Speaking of perfectionism, if you can, do catch Roger Farrow and myself at London’s Calling on 6th June where we’ll be talking about this and other workplace mental health challenges.
If June or London is too far away, I’m presenting a Zoom-based fairly interactive session entitled “A journey into late diagnosis of ADHD” on 9th May at 1pm UK time (8am Eastern / 2pm CET), with time for Q&As afterwards. Register now to be able to join on the day, and to ensure you get a recording if you can’t attend.
And recently I recently had the privilege of opening YeurDreamin alongside fellow Golden Hoodies Pallavi Agarwal and Houssam Saoudy. It was fantastic chatting with Salesforce’s Nina Jachna and being able to talk about the link between Salesforce and ADHD.
Business Update & the Curse of Time Blindness
I have lived experience of ADHD. For better or worse, this is regularly on show. But I wasn’t expecting time blindness. Defined as a persistent difficulty in managing time and perceiving how quickly it passes, it’s not the first time that time blindness has struck me. The clue is in the name: “blind”. The best thing we can do is try and avoid it, but also have coping mechanisms for when it hits.
My example? A couple of weeks ago my diary was full. The warning signs were there: my calendar appointment system refused to allow me to book any more appointments during certain days; I had also started to schedule work-related tasks over some weekends. I did not predict, nor see that my calendar was full until I needed to tell a client that I was fully booked for two weeks. It came as a surprise to me.
The ADHD brain tends to live in the here and now. Future and past are merely mental constructs within the world of our neurons. We can also be spectacularly bad at thinking about tomorrow in terms of actionable steps. Add in a dose of too much people pleasing – literally putting ourselves second, to the point of physical harm – and it can get messy from time to time.
So my diary had been gradually filling up with exciting items, but I hadn’t allowed myself decompression time, time for exercise and other chores, or time for random last minute requirements which inevitably pop up, let alone chance encounters.
Eventually I looked at my diary, and I realised that my body was feeling stressedbecause my calendar was too full. I acknowledgedthis and cancelled some commitments where I wasn’t really required, then rescheduled some non urgent projects, and reminded myself of certain boundaries. I’m now feeling a lot better, I’m happy to report! It will happen again, but at least these days I have my personal toolkit, practiced and ready for action.
This means I’ve now got space for a few more coaching clients. Interested in how I can help with ADHD and its associated challenges? Book in a chat with me!
Recommended Podcast
Downtime is important, perhaps especially when you’re overwhelmed. So if you want something to listen along to as you go for a walk, I would like to recommend the You Are Not a Frog podcast with Dr Rachel Morris and Matthew Bellringer on the topic of what to dobeforeyou get a neurodivergence diagnosis. I have the privilege of speaking with Matthew from time to time, but still got loads of insights and perspectives from the podcast, despite having been diagnosed quite a while ago.
I write about neurodivergency matters, with a dash of inclusivity and tech. Subscribe directly to avoid missing out; you can have a nose through my back catalogue. Want even more? You can also follow me on Bluesky and/or LinkedIn.