I’m crossing the streams with this post (dyspraxia, autism and ADHD all come out to play), and it may come across as me being a bit more frustrated than usual. That’s because I delve into the lived reality of being neurodivergent. There’s a huge uplift at the end though – with possibly the most significant thing I have ever done in my life, although that is highly subjective.
We’ll cover:
- Tone
- Driving
- Saving a 1/3 off rail travel!
Tone
I was recently at a local community meeting and someone I had never met before, but had communicated with over WhatsApp, asked me how long I had lived in Scotland.
“2.5 years”, I said
“So you’re new” he replied
Me: “No, I’ve been here 2.5 years”
Him: “So you’re new. I’ve been here 30 years”
Me: “You’re trying to disempower me. I’ve been here 2.5 years”
Him: “I don’t like your tone”
Zero to 100 in 90 seconds.
What does this tell you?
A lot. It possibly says I’m autistic, because I was focusing on facts and it also likelytells you I’m ADHD, because I was responding well before my conscious thoughts could intervene.
But what else does it tell you?
That my gut instinct was right when I observed that this person was trying to disempower me. His response was not about facts, but about my style, which is purely subjective.
The background was that we had a difference of opinion over how bins – yes, bins – were to be collected from our neighbourhood. Glasgow has one of the worst rubbish collection records in Scotland. The other person was trying to demonstrate that the length of time he had lived in Glasgow mattered most, and that my experience was not as relevant as his, in terms of coming up with a solution to discuss with local councillors.
How do you measure experience?
- Time served (length)
- Variety (breadth)
- Lessons learned (depth)
- Skills (depth again)
- Information gained from speaking to others (perspective and quantity)
It’s complex and not based on any one thing. Ironically, I asked Co-Pilot how it measured experience and was not impressed with its suggestions, despite the banks of data that it has!
The only problem is that this isn’t the first time that someone has blamed my tone when they have lost a factual argument. In fact it happens quite often. Now I recognise it for what it is, I’ve started to count.
People use it as a go-to defence, because tone is all about perspective and is undefined, so the power lies with whoever gets to choose whether “the tone” is acceptable or not.
As an aside, whilst I would wish to deliver news sweetly and get my message across, that’s not a skill I have. Literally sometimes I can’t read people’s faces. So much so that, on occasion, I don’t even know that there are faces there to be read in the first place. It’s not so much a different chapter, but an alternative book, in a different library, using a different light wave (or perhaps sonic, rather than text).
I can work on it but it’s a trade-off. Spend 20 years learning to read other people’s faces and then there may be somebenefit, but I might not enjoy the experience anyway, and would have to give up 30 other activities to get to that stage.
Being honest, on occasion I do put a lot of effort into trying to recognise tone, but it is exhausting with no guarantee I will get it right.
Everyone makes a judgement call on how to spend their energies and after some failed attempts to read other people I now tend to explain my style of interacting, and let the other person decide whether they wish to engage with me or not.If it’s not going to be constructive, no use pursuing it in my book.
That said, on other occasions I can be extremely empathic. Let me pass near a male ADHDer… I can usually spot them at 200 paces, crossing the street, and sometimes their emotional state too with bonus other neurodivergencies. I just sense it. So some skills I have, and others I don’t.
Perhaps my tone can be off. But some people can smile terribly sweetly whilst conveying the opposite messagesuch as in Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us” where the music is uplifting, but the words send very difficult signals. And don’t get me started on Rolf Harris’ Two Little Boys song. So I don’t think tone is the be-all and end-all. What someone says (content) and does(impact) matter to me far more.
Which brings us on to the next part of this story.
The National Railcard for Disabled Persons (and Driving)
Imagine a railcard that gives you a third off rail services, throughout the whole of the UK even though you can drive. Obviously this is a little too generous, so there is a list of many health conditions that get you this discount, such as hearing loss.
Sounds great eh?
Then imagine you are disabled but cannot drive at all, say because your dyspraxia is severe enough that you cannot measure distances, which would make going around corners or navigating on a motorway a rapidly life-limited decision. But in this instance you get no discount at all because this counts as mental health, rather than physical health. And the list makes no acknowledgement of mental health conditions even though they are meant to be treated equally within the law.
This has been the case since at least 2002, with no significant change to the criteria since then.
And then along comes Paul.
- He calls National Rail to enquire who sets the criteria. “Not us,” they say, but here’s a different number, attached to an organisation that won’t mean anything to most people.
- He then calls that number repeatedly. Most of the time they don’t answer at all. Sometimes it’s voicemail, and you leave a message, but it won’t be responded to. Once, perhaps by accident, a human answers and gives him an email address as that particular department isn’t picking up their phone today, and there’s no direct dial number.
- But then no reply to that email.
- Eventually he writes to his MP and gets a response from the team concerned. Not a great response – apparently I was “lucky” to receive it according to my MP(!)
- Paul then follows up, with another little helpful nudge from the MP standing just behind him, “common” sense dawns, although there is no apology for the lack of communication previously – what would that have cost them?
For once the timing is right. Maybe the nudge was enough, but perhaps pointing out that Great British Railways was being launched and this would make a great “good news” story helped, with the benefit of ADHD (hyperfocus and not letting go) and autism (special interest topic: knowledge of the railway industry). Perhaps the odds were already in Paul’s favour due to an argument well-made or changes already in progress, it’s impossible to know.
The National Railcard for Disabled Persons has now been expanded to “anyone who can’t drive on medical grounds”, using exactly the wording that I suggested. Not that I got a thank you, or an acknowledgement, just a message that “[this team] believe[s] the government will be making an announcement in the coming months”, implying that it was already happening, and just coincidental to my contact attempts. The fact that I got a disabled person’s railcard based on the criteria that hadn’t yet been published, six months before anyone else, was a clue however. So no proof it was me, but I’m going to chalk it up as a win, and despair at people’s pointless gaslighting!
The Moral(s) Of The Story
- If people don’t like you and your toneyou’re probably disrupting their cosy routine and their privilege. Go get ‘em! (but only when you choose, and it is safe to do so).
- You can (still) be curious. Tone is usually used by people as a last gasp defence, but if, for instance, someone is angry or something else then – with my coaching hat on – you can say something like “I can see you’re frustrated, can you take a moment to explain it a bit to me, as I don’t quite get it so far?”, and then a richer conversation might ensue.
- It comes as a package deal – you don’t get one part without the other.What makes me direct (e.g. anything around tone), allows me to push through barriers that either people don’t see, or haven’t managed to overcome (e.g. helping cause the first significant improvement in railway discounting policy for disabled people in years, if not decades).
- Finally, adversity builds strength, but there’s no harm in having an easier life than living on “maximum intensity” modeall of the time. Speaking of which, did I mention that I do ADHD and AuDHD life coaching? If you want to explore more about how to pick and choose when and how to lean into your natural talents and learned skills, then sign up for a free intro call. I’ve got just two coaching spots available at time of writing!
p.s. After the unpleasant interaction with the fellow property owner (he’s not a resident), a different neighbour invited me around for a drink, snacks and then sent me home with a home-made meal kit for dinner for the following day. There’s a reason why I love Glasgow, despite some of the local infrastructure! 😍
Epilogue
It’s actually taking me longer, with more effort, and more local arguments/frustrations, to sort out the local bin collection, than to get a national organisation to accept that mental health and physical health should be on an equal footing, potentially benefiting 600k people. Life is crazy sometimes.
I write about neurodivergency matters, with a dash of inclusivity and tech. Subscribe directly to avoid missing out; you can also have a nose through my back catalogue. Want even more? You can follow me on Bluesky and/or LinkedIn.