How’s your ability to connect with other people? Do you like socialising? Do you “fit in”?
Today, I’m going to share Roger Farrow’s story, with his permission, which is his story about the efforts he used to make to meet other people’s expectations, and the consequences. In sharing his story, we – Roger and I – hope that you may feel less alone, have a better understanding of neurodivergency and of what is going on under the skin.
Childhood
When Roger was a child, he had a really deep interest in the natural world, as well as mythology.
Apparently encyclopaedic knowledge is not expected in a five-year-old. But it was the social interaction with other kids of his own age which was the biggest problem. Roger didn’t engage with his peer group, and wasn’t interested in the same subjects either when Roger was young, or developing into a teenager.
Just because he didn’t like socialising, it didn’t mean that he didn’t want to be liked or have friends. Roger tried to blend in by participating in typical small talk topics that he had observed, but others could sense that this wasn’t a natural skill for him.
In fact many autistic people experience this, with studies finding that neurotypical people judge autistic people as being less likeable within seconds, based on first impressions. Roger would reflect on what he saw, but didn’t always understand the underlying reasons. So the mirroring wouldn’t be entirely accurate, effective or spontaneously producible.
And there was a huge cost to his energy.
To go around always pretending to be something that he wasn’t, being extra alert and monitoring his behaviour, to consciously fit in was exhausting.
Which brings us on to masking.
What is Masking?
Masking is usually understood as wearing a barrier over your face, so people can’t see the real you. It actually goes deeper than this because you are preventing your natural character traits from expressing themselves.
We all mask to some extent, covering up aspects which we fear don’t fit in. However, some people have to mask more than others.
The University Years
Back to Roger, who was by now all set on understanding others and fitting in, so he decided to learn about it. It was four humanities A-Levels, a degree in psychology and a Master’s degree in religious studies – eight years in total – before he gave in. Eventually, Roger decided none of this was helping further his understanding, and so he then got a more enriching Masters in IT.
He then joined the world of work and continued to mask. He didn’t even always recognise that he was doing this.
The Consequences of Masking
Masking isn’t just something to benefit oneself, but also to put others at ease. Roger did it to reduce the inconvenience that he may present, and to meet other people’s expectations, but it is always a trade-off.
Imagine wearing a mask (or carrying a heavy backpack) for 3 hours. That’s perhaps doable. Now imagine carrying that same mask/backpack for 8 or 16 hours. Daily. With no respite at the weekend. Eventually that’s going to cause strain, stress and damage to your body…
Over the years Roger stopped understanding who he was. His very person was suppressed and buried, which caused issues with relationships, happiness and his sense of self-worth.
Or, to put it another way, masking can be maladaptive. Although it has its uses – an appropriate time and place – it can cost the wearer more than it benefits, especially if done too often.
Discovering What Lies Beneath
As a consequence of his autism diagnosis Roger started to think more about masking.
We are all unique and will have different research styles, but Roger started watching and following neurodivergent content creators to learn about autistic culture, to gain insight into people who were naturally unmasked or further along in their journeys and how they behaved.
Roger reflected on enjoyable activities that he had done in the past, such as playing with small bolts, but he had stopped these kinds of activities. These days Roger has picked this up again but uses fidget toys and understands this to be stimming, which is more frequent amongst autistic people than non-autistic people.
Stimming isself-regulating behaviour – doing things that calm you or help express emotions. e.g. playing with a pen, twirling your hair, tapping and whistling, flapping your arms.
Roger also started to notice when things felt unnatural. Roger didn’t necessarily trust himself, but he looked online and realised that some aspects were definitely an autistic thing. For instance, he discovered that he wasn’t the only person who hated having their camera on during meetings.
Roger also tested suggestions from online content creators to see which ones felt natural to him, and which ones didn’t. This was unmasking. For instance, he now avoids certain shops as he understands why they overwhelm him. Sorry H&M – you’re just too bright and warm!
This being a 2025 piece, one of his ideas has been to use Perplexity AI to share his experiences and interpretations of them, and then interrogate it to analyse and give him insights on these interactions through different perspectives. It’s been really eye-opening.
But, above all, one tip is that if you want to practice unmasking, find a safe, welcoming environment which you trust to start this process off. Consider taking baby steps and seeing how it goes. Iterate and take feedback whilst you build up confidence and newfound awareness – agile-style!
Modern Life: Online Meetings
Taking one more example – a standard online meeting with the camera on. What is Roger doing? He’s now concentrating on staying on camera, appearing to make eye contact. What is Roger not doing? Paying attention because he is now focusing on appearing engaged and looking acceptable on the camera.
By speaking with work colleagues, he has revealed these habits and is no longer so performative, becoming happier and more effective. He also uses a workplace passport to help manage expectations.
In Person Situations
Sometimes masking is required. It’s a spectrum – rather than on or off – so sometimes 5% of personal energy is required to achieve a certain goal, and sometimes 75%. A tech conference (such as London’s Calling) is a great example.
If Roger is presenting, he will have to manage his energy carefully before and during, so that he has enough energy remaining afterwards for his core needs, such as getting home! In the autistic community this is called “spoon theory”. Basically these are items in limited supply, and once he’s out of spoons, there’s trouble. Roger slows down, and it’s very hard to get anything done.
If there is a speakers’ dinner or similar beforehand, Roger will leave to reduce the social effort, as that’s a lot of masking, which uses up a lot of spoons, for which Roger wouldn’t have enough recovery time. He needs to reserve his social battery for the main event. Being in a social environment and constantly aware is draining, and so for the following week, he’s likely to be very tired, almost hungover (although he doesn’t drink!).
In these situations, Roger follows up with archery as soon as he’s back home, engaging with his deep interest will help me recover and replenish his supply of spoons. Overall, it will be worth it, and Roger will be super proud of himself, but in the moment it can be quite exhausting!
And Now?
Roger these days is a happier person, keynote speaker, and a passionate advocate for autism and neurodivergency in general. Do connect with him and follow him online if you want to learn more!
Coda: The Other 50(ish) Percent
Bonus observation: Roger and I are both men. We fully recognise that the challenges around masking for women are also significant and usually present, regardless of whether the person has a neurodivergency or not. It’s also one of the many reasons why identifying ADHD is so much more difficult. Society expectations are encoded for girls from an incredibly young age, so the pressure to fit in is so much greater.
The other significant reason is that it tends to be white middle-class men who decide on research budgets, and that creates huge conscious and unconscious biases in terms of areas to investigate.
What We Can All Do
How to make a neuro-inclusive workplace strategy is a large topic for another day, although there are resources available online. More immediately, if someone is exhibiting, or likely to encounter, discomfort, ask what you can do to help – be careful about making specific suggestions though, as these can vary significantly from one person to another. The person is likely to be able to articulate their own needs if they are given the space and time to do so, and feels themself to be in a safe, non-judgemental environment.
More widely, Better Allies has a wide range of strategies that help draw the mind to all the biases and barriers we unintentionally create.
If you’re reading this and have other tips, experiences or resources that you want to share about masking, do feel free to add in the comments below.
I write about neurodivergency matters, with a dash of inclusivity and tech. Subscribe directly to avoid missing out; you can have a nose through my back catalogue. Want even more? You can also follow me on Bluesky and/or LinkedIn.